In the very beginnings of RUE (honestly, I'm still in the beginnings of RUE), I read an article Floret wrote on making oneself the face of their own business. I fully agree with this business model and honestly enjoy and like that I've taken the route of making RUE not only mine, but an extension of me. If my work is something I'm passionate about, and if I desire that it becomes part of people's everyday lives and special moments, I feel it's necessary for me to be personal in order to be a part of people's personal experiences. I think in order to work with others on that level, I myself have to be transparent. Being personal and vulnerable is not difficult for me. I prefer one on one conversations. When I become friends with someone, I want to know about all their hardships and dreams and hope the feeling is mutual. A long time ago, after I had been in a relationship where my then partner and I had a difficult time communicating, I made a promise to myself that I would never be afraid to be open and honest with others. Even so far as to tell people when I'm not okay if they asked how I am. Although tying my personal life with my more public business life has not been difficult, it plays out strangely when it comes to disappointment. Let me back up for a second.
Disappointment may be the worst feeling in the world to me. Worse than hatred, sadness, even anger. In my last post, I mentioned having parents who moved to the States to give me a better life. Expectations were set high from the beginning from them, and eventually I found that I set even higher expectations for myself. Throughout time, this has been both a blessing and a curse. I know I wouldn't be as ambitious as I am, but when I see myself fall, I allow my mind to fall deep, into a dark hole. It's interesting examining how I do this now that I own my own business.
I was feeling really down all morning. I wasn't feeling so great about my work and somehow allowed myself fall into a deep, deep hole, thinking about questioning what I'm doing, distancing myself more from my work, and RUE, and all kind of negative thoughts one thinks in these kind of holes. I ran a bunch of errands and sometime in the afternoon delivered an arrangement that was part of a giveaway in the spirit of International Women's' Day. The woman who it was promised to was so sweet. I stayed, and we chatted for a bit about flowers and life and time and family. It was such a breathe of fresh air. I had so quickly fallen into this dark place, and just as quickly was reminded how in moments like this, it can be really rewarding to make oneself open, and accessible, and connect with strangers. Two sides to the same coin.
I never truly felt dedication to one's company until now. The last thing I want to do is disappoint a client, the thought just kills me. On the other hand, praise can send my heart soaring. It's exhausting, this rollercoaster between praise and disappointment. I'm working on finding that balance between the two; I think it's going to be necessary if I plan to continue RUE, which I do, and especially if I plan to be transparent. Having set my company on such a personal level, my expectations are not only from my family or from within, but it extends to the public, to strangers. Everything I do, everything my business does or doesn't, is a direct reflection of myself. If something goes wrong, I am the one to blame; there are no higher ups. The same goes for if things go right. It's tough. And, it's something I'm still trying to learn to deal with emotionally.